"It was 122 degrees today in India. It was so hot people in India were sweating like Americans waiting to see if their jobs were being outsourced to India." --Jay Leno
"President Bush criticized the election process in Iran. He said there are groups there who try and suppress the vote, power there is in the hands of the very few, and the whole thing is dominated by religion. Hey, that is our system." --Jay Leno
(And ours too
)
"Today is the 33rd anniversary of the Watergate break-in. That was a time when the president of the United States couldn't be trusted to tell the American people the truth -- thirty years ago, but it feels like yesterday." --Jay Leno
"A top Taliban member said today that Osama bin Laden is alive and well, which is great because that means we can still kill him." --Jay Leno
"President Clinton is close friends with the first President Bush and also close friends with the next President Clinton -- see how that works." --David Letterman
"The Trade Bank of Iraq issued the first ever credit card and now, thanks to us, the Iraqi people are free to borrow money at 30% interest. It's good to see our lifestyle over there." --Jay Leno
(Some on Michael Jackson’s trial. Btw. – he was judged by the court of California):
"Legal experts say the key was that the defense really didn’t play the race card. Well, duh. They didn’t know which race to play." --Jay Leno
"Brain cells were grown in a laboratory in Florida -- actual human brain cells. Now the next step. They're going to transplant them into a California jury." --David Letterman
"It was reported that since the verdict was announced, sales of Michael Jackson's CDs have gone up significantly. After hearing about it, Michael Bolton announced he sleeps with young boys." --Conan O'Brien
"This just in -- Saddam Hussein would like his trial moved to Santa Maria, California." --David Letterman
"Some politicians want to close Guantanamo. They want to get rid of our interrogators. ... Why can't we do with this what we do with other jobs in this country -- outsource them to India. If you want to torture people, put them on a computer tech support line in New Delhi for a half an hour." --Jay Leno
Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld has downplayed the idea of closing the prison at Guantanamo Bay. He said it would raise questions of where to send the prisoners. And he's got a point. I mean, you can't leave the prisoners in Cuba. If you leave them in Cuba, in a couple of days, they'll be here. - Jay Leno
"The Bush administration is now resisting calls to shut down the prison at Guantanamo bay. They said while it's true many prisoners have not been charged with a specific crime, they are sure that each one has done something bad that deserves punishment. Well, you can say the same thing about half the people who work at the White House." --Jay Leno
(And ¾ of our Parliament…
"But we turn now to ... the Democrats, a political party founded in 1792 that enjoyed an active role in American politics through much of the 20th century. Perhaps you've heard of them, no? Ask your parents." --Jon Stewart
"President Bush criticized the election process in Iran. He said there are groups there who try and suppress the vote, power there is in the hands of the very few, and the whole thing is dominated by religion. Hey, that is our system." --Jay Leno
(And ours too
)"Today is the 33rd anniversary of the Watergate break-in. That was a time when the president of the United States couldn't be trusted to tell the American people the truth -- thirty years ago, but it feels like yesterday." --Jay Leno
"A top Taliban member said today that Osama bin Laden is alive and well, which is great because that means we can still kill him." --Jay Leno
"President Clinton is close friends with the first President Bush and also close friends with the next President Clinton -- see how that works." --David Letterman
"The Trade Bank of Iraq issued the first ever credit card and now, thanks to us, the Iraqi people are free to borrow money at 30% interest. It's good to see our lifestyle over there." --Jay Leno
(Some on Michael Jackson’s trial. Btw. – he was judged by the court of California):
"Legal experts say the key was that the defense really didn’t play the race card. Well, duh. They didn’t know which race to play." --Jay Leno
"Brain cells were grown in a laboratory in Florida -- actual human brain cells. Now the next step. They're going to transplant them into a California jury." --David Letterman
"It was reported that since the verdict was announced, sales of Michael Jackson's CDs have gone up significantly. After hearing about it, Michael Bolton announced he sleeps with young boys." --Conan O'Brien
"This just in -- Saddam Hussein would like his trial moved to Santa Maria, California." --David Letterman
"Some politicians want to close Guantanamo. They want to get rid of our interrogators. ... Why can't we do with this what we do with other jobs in this country -- outsource them to India. If you want to torture people, put them on a computer tech support line in New Delhi for a half an hour." --Jay Leno
Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld has downplayed the idea of closing the prison at Guantanamo Bay. He said it would raise questions of where to send the prisoners. And he's got a point. I mean, you can't leave the prisoners in Cuba. If you leave them in Cuba, in a couple of days, they'll be here. - Jay Leno
"The Bush administration is now resisting calls to shut down the prison at Guantanamo bay. They said while it's true many prisoners have not been charged with a specific crime, they are sure that each one has done something bad that deserves punishment. Well, you can say the same thing about half the people who work at the White House." --Jay Leno
(And ¾ of our Parliament…
"But we turn now to ... the Democrats, a political party founded in 1792 that enjoyed an active role in American politics through much of the 20th century. Perhaps you've heard of them, no? Ask your parents." --Jon Stewart
